On my way to another heartbreak

All I wanted to do was share a beautiful story of love with you but to share love I need to have that in my heart. I had been talking so lovingly about my bean bag theory and Mr. Chaste... well the situation is completely different now. My mistake... I accept... I have done terrible and irreparable damages to this relationship. The relationship I treasure so much. 

The names and updates I had planned for my upcoming posts were:

Never been kissed: This was to tell you how I kissed and told him what I felt about him. He was totally petrified... he had never been kissed before. I know at the age of 25 if you are not kissed, its not a great achievement... but for him it was (some traditional notion). After that kiss he proposed me; now I feel it was a momentary feeling. But he did continue this relationship for few days before finally announcing his incapability of continuing further because he DID NOT feel that way for me, and it was my happiness for which he chose to be with me (aahh!! thanks honey... ok whatever). But yeah this is a fact, my happiness had no bound when he said those three magickal words, and the way he said them... I asked him after few slow and passionate kisses what is he going to tell his friend about us! and he answered "I will tell him… I am in love with you" (awww); well I cried tears of happiness. I had waited to hear something like this for years… trust me if you never have been REALLY proposed even once in your 27 years of existence on this earth, it does matter!! So I cried and very in fact VERY happily introduced him as my BF to my boss!!! Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking, introducing him to my boss of all people. But the bottom line is I had never been so happy ever in my life and I understood the joy of listening to those words for the first time. I don’t think I will ever be able to feel the same. The quick person I am… our relationship progressed at supersonic speed and within a week it was only sex that remained between us (thank goodness the kid-thing still scares the guy and condoms are not an essential commodity for me to be kept in house like sugar). But yeah we did rest whatever you can think of and it was very good. He is good in bed… totally (damn it! Mr. Chaste is not so chaste after all;-)).

But as you know even after the rain stops the water doesn’t disappear at once, same way physical pleasure needs don’t end with relationship especially when it is not broken. Well, technically he had announced his decision but in my mind and heart we are still together. Even after separation the desires couldn’t keep us away and we indulged in many more lustful moments. For me it was a way of expressing my feelings but for him it was something else!!! (No he is still not the villain, the bad-guy oopss girl's role is played by me).

Some New Year- Please don’t wish me happy new year… its just Happy New Calendar. I am trying hard to make him feel something for me, but as you know these things don’t work this way. You can’t make someone feel something.

Present tense (literally)

Now the current situation is: he is smitten by some other girl, I am trying to divert my mind interacting with as many guys and some girls as possible and yet keep missing him. The physical thing remains where it was… in fact the situation is worse than you can think of. He left a naked me, in middle of a passionate session on that girl's call… wow! Now that's some insult!! And I kept talking and behaving very normal the next day and the day after… telling him continuously how much important he is for me and what all good things I feel about him; without a single affirmative response from him. He asked me "how can you feel satisfied with something like this? I don’t even respond to your actions or words. Its better you make my dummy and keep it if that’s what satisfies you".

May be what he said has hurt me but it’s the truth. I also want to tell some such truths… one I blurted two days back when in the middle of a fight about other girl I screamed out the real reason behind my cranky behavior… I screamed "I miss you and I miss you a lot; I miss your smile, your talks, our fights, the moments we spent together, your baggy tummy… everything I miss… I miss you so much". It gave me immense satisfaction, and it was pure truth that came out of my mouth at that point of time. There are zillion such things, or sweet nothings I want to utter but can't, because he is not ready to accept it. But after all this, we spent the next day together and even romanced. It was a bliss… his touch is magickal!! But it hurt him, he doesn’t want to do it, he feels bad about it (I told you he is old school).

About a week back he called me late at night and said he is not feeling good, I thought may be because he is missing me, we were not talking for few days now (ahhh!!! FinallyJ). Then he reveled the truth… he hadn’t seen her the entire day (crashhhhh…. Sorry! That wasn’t me, those were all the dreams and hopes). He wanted me to suggest him ways to approach that girl. I could feel something breaking in my heart, a piercing pain, and I looked at my heart and asked- "Is something left to break yet!!".

Today, he told me he went for a walk with that girl. I really didn’t know how to react. I am trying all sorts of meditation techniques to keep myself calm but it becomes difficult at times. Its 1.30 AM and I am still awake, trying to vent my feelings and sadness through this blog. I don’t want to lose whatever I have of him, but by behaving the way I am will I be able to hold it? He is doing everything possible to make it easy for me, even suggested that he could move to some different city, and I am making it difficult for him. How can I be so selfish? Why can't I just let it go!!

He can talk to me about stuff he couldn’t discuss with anyone else, is happy with me, cares for me, sleeps with me, but just doesn’t love me. Is this really my life? One of my best friends called and she was anxiously wondering "This can not happen with you, not again… so many things can not go wrong in your life!!". Still I would consider myself lucky, I got a chance to love and received care and friendship in return.

He even told me about that 'something is missing kind of feeling'… the feeling that I always experinced whenever I had some guy in my life. He is going through this phase, especially due to frustrating situtation created by his sister at home. That is when I realized I haven't experienced this feeling in a long-long time!! Either my feelings are dead or… its because of HIM, oh! I guess that is why I feel so complete with him. I wonder will I ever be able to get those tears of happiness back or will those words (I Love You) be able to entice the same feeling and tears of eternal joy when said by someone else. I tried gifting him a petal of rose on Valentine's Day and he refused. All I could do was shed few tears of disappointment and wonder will he ever accept my love!!

?!#!%$!%$@%$%$

People are selfish. Everyone is trying to save his/her ass. When someone says, he/ she is worried that you will be hurt in their shitty-crappy way of dealing with you; trust me that person is least bothered about your feelings. All they worry about is the sense of guilt that might kill them if you take all their shit calmly. Everyone has a conscience after all!

The world makes such a big fuss about family, but I have seen they are the first people to kick you out of the home if you become completely dependent on them. Till the time you are an asset they will bake plum cakes for you, the day you decide to take your course in life, chose to live for yourself, they will treat you as a parasite. 

I want to come out straight with my reaction towards these sugar coated, poison ivy, tongues. I really don't understand, why do I always try to appease their ego when all I want to say is "Fuck off you moron; you got what you deserved. Stop whining, because I really don't care and do not blame me for your failures and problems else I will break your head."

Ahh… now I feel better :).

The bean bag theory

Getting engaged to a perfect stranger after merely two meetings is definitely not the idea of my-happily- ever-after. The concept of arranged marriage might be ok for so many, almost most of them around me, but I am quite repulsive to that thought. It irritates me to the core because I believe love should be the basis of a relationship, not the family, income, house, car etc. What is the point of having a soul mate, when after 25 years of togetherness, suddenly one day we question ourselves, if we made a right decision to marry this person; or even worse, think if we could get a chance to start it over again!!!

I had been going through this arranged marriage shit for a long time. Then in the July of 2010, after a depressing heartbreak at the hands of the 'Scorpio King' (he is a true Scorpion, that’s why this name) and to avoid this regular torture of meeting guys, I finally agreed to get engaged to a guy after two meetings of 30 minutes each. Everybody around me sang in unison "it's all in your mind, things will fall in place; it's all in your mind, everything will be perfect". I believed them, that is the way they have lived their life and experience counts, doesn’t it? So, I trusted their opinions, views and experiences and agreed for this relation and got formerly engaged to a stranger.

But, the kind of person I am, it became difficult for me to adjust and I broke it, within a month's time. Well, God as usual, helped me a lot in doing so. Some issues cropped up and I got a chance to escape out of this mess **pheww**.

I started talking to Chaste after all this had taken place in my life. He was under the impression I am still engaged. But soon he became aware of my relationship status 'Single'. I was still nursing my broken heart at that time and we became friends. It was during our early friendship that Chaste had to go visit his parents. On his way to his hometown he messaged how he was missing me in the bus journey (that was cute). At home, he was with his family for about a week, but most of his time he spent talking to me over the phone. We talked, and we talked a lot. We got to understand each other better, he confessed he liked me and I explained my reason for being aversive to traditional match-making system and my Bean Bag Theory.

The Theory- According to me, the right person in our life is the one, with whom we will never feel out of place, or uncomfortable. We can share our dirtiest secrets with him/her and be sure; he/she won’t run away. The feeling is bit difficult to explain, but as I put it, he/she will be the bean bag for our heart. We can jump and fall in it and it will make sure, we are not hurt.

Another less famous theory is the Train Journey Theory. As I state it- imagine you are on a long train journey, you have crossed every possible station and there are no more halts further; now all that remains is journey. With whom would you like to spend all this time now? That person who comes to your mind first is the right person for you.

Chaste was very inquisitive about my way of looking at things. I explained to him how and why finding true love is the utmost goal of my life. He was truly impressed by that. Then I questioned him about his true love, and he was totally confused. I explained these theories to him and asked him to take a simple 'smile like an idiot' test, along with the above two (the theory tests). He cofessed it’s the memories of little things that I do that make him smile like an idiot when alone, and with me he feels totally at ease. He also told me that he knew about my poetry blog long before he actually mentioned it and was really-really impressed by me, by the kind of person I am, totally carefree. Wow, now that’s some revelation!! Or is it some love-story unfolding ;-). 

Something from present

Ahh… the pernicious lacuna… but I guess its OK. Well, I don’t like it. This hollow feeling inside. There is no pain just emptiness. I am reading the Twilight series now, done with Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse; and reading Breaking Dawn currently. I am living in the same world in which Bella resides. The only difference is my vampires and werewolves are so very human, in fact only mental-monsters.

I identify this hollowness inside me. It is the same 'hole' Bella felt in New Moon. I can understand it very well now, the urge to hold herself in order to avoid sinking into her own emptiness. I can feel it. I am breaking down, and I cannot do anything about it. I am trying to hold myself, as she had tried but it just doesn’t help.

I guess there are only two ways out of it i- I fill this hole soon, before it become so big that I collapse into it; ii- I let this hollowness replace every single emotion that I have. I can not explain the urge inside me to trade all these emotions, dreams, my heart, everything with something so hard, so cold, something like stone; which is impenetrable, something that doesn’t understand emotions and cannot be hurt. I wish I could become a monster, may be a….a Vampire.  

Finding my companion cube

I call him Mr. Chaste. He is three years younger to me, bulky (a perfect size and plumpness to make a huge teddy bear), with a smile so cute that I forget he does not possess a six pack, and of course lots of care for me. He was the one who was attracted towards me first. He confessed!!!

He used to notice me get in our office bus, looking around with curiosity of a child; talking with everybody on the way as I progressed towards my regular last seat; initially it was just for the convenience of getting a full seat to enjoy my 45 minutes nap on my way to work. In the evening I would play cards with my friends in the bus (most of them much older to me), play radio-on-demand for them and laugh real loud at the silliest possible reason.

He found my these qualities too intriguing. He could see I was a people's person; someone who had everybody as a friend; someone who could cheer up anyone; someone too jolly to be in a place so gloomy and dull with exhausted faces and tired breaths, after nine hours of grind in an IT company. But he didn’t know people wear masks. I too wore one. He is too simple to understand the complexities of human nature; and anyway I am too good actor. There are days when I can not contain my sadness inside and it starts peaking through my eyes. At such instances this 45+ minutes of bus ride back home is very helpful. I surround myself with so many people that my thoughts get lost in the crowd of voices around me, else the traditional phone-a-friend method always works. I prefer to talk to get over things.

So, he was smitten by the face rather phase I showed. A lot of which is even true. I am a jolly person, usually, but the lacuna inside me does not allow any other happiness to replace the missing part. I guess happiness also comes in sizes, or may be for some it is custom made. How much ever hard you try, the result is unsatisfactory. It just doesn’t fit in or fill in.

Things were ok, while I dealt with back-to-back heartaches, distracting myself with the presence of these happy faced people, who may be are on the same boat as I am. Just distracting themselves!!!

Well, its not that he was the only one who noticed me. He doesn’t know this but I too noticed him. He IS cute… you can’t miss that if you are a connoisseur at observing guys. Though what I always found confusing was his reluctance to interact with others. Occupying the corner seat he always seemed to have his guards up. Not that it bothered me; I had too many other things to ponder over.

I have no idea how we became friends. I guess it was some casual invitation to the bus trip that I extended to him!! He didn’t accept obviously, but that was the first interaction I believe. OR, may be not. The first interaction would be when I offered him some sweets, announcing my engagement!!! Yeah, I have gone through that as well. He still chuckles when he remembers how it broke his heart in one way.

So, the bottom-line is I don’t remember how we became friends. Some days I had to extend my shifts, and I would find him in the last bus back. But it wasn’t him alone. There were two of them, both younger to me, full of life. Not like usual poker faces all around me. It was so much easier to talk to them, their faces would give away their emotions and they were open to share stuff.

Chaste was still more reserved but the other one, Mr. Genuine, was quite frank with me. I remember that one particular bus ride when each of them sat on the either side of me, chewing my brains with their impish non-sense. But all that made perfect sense for me. Not even once I showed the discomfort any other girl would have exhibited; and I didn’t even have to struggle with it. I guess that is the guy in me that keeps my reasoning composed during such guy talk. I don’t react overmuch unless it’s gets derogatory or threatening to my dignity. I know where to draw that LINE.

There are few hazards of being a perfect Libran (my zodiac sign). Though I enjoy the attention I receive because of the natural charm I ooze; I hate the balance of male and female characteristics my character maintains. I can not be only woman mentally. This is one reason guys find me repulsive in a relationship, because I am so much like them mentally… *hmmph*.

But these kids (as I called them) enjoyed it. For me it was just another distraction. It made it better, handling the heartbreak I was going through. My laughter was loud enough for them to hear and relate to, but too hollow for me to feel. Nevertheless, it was comforting in a manner I am not too familiar with guys, in a… friendly manner.

I used to discuss about these kids with a common friend (girl for a change), Ms. Tradition. Tradition has a thinking that doesn’t match the way I think, though it would match with that of 80% girls who are around us. I didn’t even like her interpretation of these two guys- immature, irresponsible. She could hear what they said but couldn’t read anything else. Her understanding of these two guys came from a very shallow observation but I believed there is more to them than their stupid fantasies, in fact there was a deep sincerity in them even.

You may think I am gullible, but I feel the only way to make someone trustworthy is to trust them. So, I trusted these two perfect strangers and before I even realized they were sharing a lot of stuff about them with me and vice versa. I would also lecture them on life as I perceived it, this would mostly amuse them, and sometimes they would be flattered. All in all life was good distraction from my pain.

Then I sat with Chaste a few times more than with Genuine due to space constrain in the bus. He would easily offer me his window seat and squeezing into that little space with him never felt uncomfortable. So, one thing was already there between us, the COMFORT, a lot of it. He wouldn't let me have my 45 minutes nap in the morning and surprisingly it never annoyed me.

I was totally unaware how he was slowly gaining some place in my life, how he was proceeding towards becoming my Companion cube!!!  

An introduction to 'Me'

Oh it’s happening again… oh please not again… the same round of idiocy. Yeah I think it that way. Ok, let me be clearer, it’s about relationships. I have been with many-many guys; most of them think they were the only one; I don’t flirt casually… it has been serious every time; and never even once I was the one to break the relationship.

And I am fed up of acting innocent now, because I am not. It wasn’t the same person until few years back, but after being ditched by four guys in a year, I am a completely new person now. I am very much liberated, sexually, mentally, philosophically… ok, before you get it all wrong I am not a nymphomaniac and this blog is not about my raunchy expeditions…

 So, I was telling you I am a very liberated person now and more confident than before, regarding how to handle a heartbreak, and ready to risk it all just to find that one person. It’s not about someone who loves me a lot, a prince charming on golden Pegasus (white-horse is too clichéd). It’s all about that one person who could say "I want you to love me, now and forever; and never stop it even if your heart stops beating" ahhh!!!

I feel may be people are afraid to love these days, or do I keep bumping into the wrong guys all the time? OR… may be I am wrong somewhere!! Don’t know why but whichever route I take, the result is always the same **sigh**.

Now something about my blog. No, I am not new to the blogging world, and hence desperate to spit it all here. I have a nice poetry blog in place, but this one is different. This is my private place, open to all. I can word my thoughts and life here and no one can question me why am I doing that and how can I live a life like this…

So, this blog will have stories, real (mostly), with some spice of fiction. The characters of my life won’t be identified by their names; but by their one prominent characteristic. I would call myself Ruhi. I prefer to call myself that because ‘Ruh’ means a soul and I relate to everything on ‘solular’ level!!

I belong to a completely traditional family, from a small town; of a state considered heart in this multi-color country- I call Vibgyor (for its beautiful diversities). Right now I am a part of buzzing crowd of a to-be metro, close to a BIG city known as the Industrial Capital of Vibgyor. I live my life on a daily basis, no long planning; because it’s from weekend-to-weekend my life changes course.

My childhood was happy, like a princess and in the late teenage I became a Cinderella. You will know more about me as my life unfolds :)